Design is my passion.
All through college (and before college) I looked forward to when I'd create my graphic design portfolio.
I learned and created and studied and designed and typeset and drew and photographed . . . thinking I'd
put it all together into this great thing later, the ultimate "what I have to show for myself." Suddenly it's
before me, the time has come, the opportunity I waited for. I'm at a total standstill. I've decided
there are about three reasons behind this besides catching the flu. ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
This week I sat in a meeting and looked around at all the people I supposed saw my entire identity in
design. They probably saw me as a socially awkward, nonpersonality, who would probably be as critical
of them as I am of kerning. I'm tired of people not wanting to know who I am. That's my world this senior year. One can only live on
the encouragement of a compliment or award for so long. Then you want to be seen for more than your last
brochure or letterhead. Of course anyone would want to be seen as adequate in their profession, but you
feel truly screwed up when it's everything that matters about you.
I miss the people who love me for whoever it is that I really am. For my internship I'd written on my resume that I had been the prom queen -- nothing could have been
more shocking for my classmates. Why would they pick HER came out in their voice: "YOU?" (Well I kinda
wondered that too at the time, thanks) but it showed me that you conform to what people
already believe to be true about you. If my high school thinks I'm a nice person than it's a lot easier
to be one. And when people believe you're awkward it's nearly impossible to get past that and be more, such
as: "socially awkward but a really good friend." A title is a bandaid. I think we title-search because we aren't getting the real thing; a title is a
nice temp fix. For example, when I was in swimming it was to be that "Fast Freestyler". ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I really struggle with confidence. I wonder if I can do this portfolio. I never meet my expectations. I compare
myself to people, and I compare myself to myself. It's like "Well there's always the superstar Kim Bost" or "I did
something once but I can never top it, so good luck trying." Basically I have the common fear of failure. ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A future and a hope.
But today I was challenged. What does God think failure is? So what if my portfolio's crap. He's got something
else in mind then. Our abilities are from God. He gives and takes away to remind us they're "gifts", gifts that
we've received from him. We have to have faith that he'll take care of us tomorrow. All we can do is our best
with what we have as overwhelmingly impossibly as it all looks. My sweet mom wrote in an e-mail this
week: "Just do the next thing."
Who does God say I am? There's the answer to the identity crisis. Now, how to apply that and truly believe that's
all that matters when you're alone that night.
I'd like to start over. Move away and be the person I feel that I need. Be the listener,the inviter, the seeker. Starting
now is a good thought. Get over the "I've already disqualified myself with all these people" and try in spite of
potential rejection. Sounds rough. I guess it's not gonna get any easier in a new city.
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